Deception Diaries: Inside the Mind of a Cheater
Research for His Last Mistress has me in an infidelity rabbit hole. In my essay, “Everything I Assumed About Cheating and Affairs Was Wrong,” I talked about my revelations when I met a cheater. I learned more in those few months than I ever thought I could about the mind of someone for whom lying and duplicitousness were a way of life.
To be completely clear, he did not inspire the Casey Cort and Nicole Long Series’ character Richard Sinclair. The erstwhile cheater sprung out of my head fully formed ten years ago when I published my first legal thriller, Judged. But what I learned in 2020 has informed my writing for this book.
As I wrote in my essay, I met a man I call ‘Carl’ on the ‘apps.’ He was outside of my twenty-mile radius, but at the time, that website allowed people to approach you despite being outside of your parameters. He wrote a long and admittedly charming letter listing all the things we had in common based on my profile. His own was curiously blank, but if you’ve spent any time online, many men don’t put much of anything, sometimes not even a clear picture.
Having been burnt by some married guys who’d approached me, my first question to Carl was when he’d gotten divorced. Ages ago, he said. That was a lie. Soon I discovered that he was separated. According to him, his marriage had been over for a long time. The truth was that his wife of twenty-plus years had moved out only a few weeks ago. When I asked why they broke up, his first answer was infidelity on both sides. There was something, though, that didn’t sit right. If you’ve ever heard my podcast, A Time to Thrill, you know I have ‘so many questions.’ He wasn’t spared my inquisitiveness.
Because I’m a writer, I asked. Because he was shameless the cheater answered.
My first question was, ‘Why did he cheat?’ Spoiler alert: it was someone else’s fault, his wife’s, his in-laws’, his mother’s.
His biggest complaint was that his wife did not give him enough time and attention. She had two children two years apart, that he’d married her and pushed her into having right away.
Somehow two small children two years apart was more demanding than he’d anticipated despite hands-on help from friends and family.
Then it was because his wife spent too much time caring for her aging parents, who lived six thousand miles away. Her care was in short stints when they visited hospitals in Los Angeles.
The next excuse was that his mother encouraged it. As horrifying as it reads, it was more shocking to hear. It was, however, one hundred percent true. His mother had handpicked his wife, and because he wasn’t happy with the first choice, she encouraged him to flick his rod back in the fishing pond. It’s no surprise that his mother’s own second marriage was based upon…an affair.
Then I wanted to know the how. My ex rarely left the house without me, so I wondered when Carl could get the time to meet someone, fall in love, and conduct an entire second relationship with a wife and children and a full-time job.
First, he was on dating websites, long before apps before, during, and after his marriage.
Furthermore, he demonstrated how he made an effort to approach women everywhere. He was fearful of dogs but said if he were ever desperate enough, he’d get a dog to make picking up women easier.
The other part of the how? His mother helped him. When he flew to a foreign country to conduct an affair, his mother bought plane tickets for him and herself and flew with him as cover. When he was going to strip clubs, after his wife had wised up and tracked his phone, with his mother’s permission, he left the phone at her house, claiming a maternal visit. Then he’d go out and do what he wanted untethered by geolocators.
Where? Never at home, actually. The ‘other’ women had their own homes. Hotels are cheap and plentiful. Going out of town made it easy. Strip clubs have back rooms.
I know you’re wondering why he told me all this. My bewilderment is greater than yours. I truly believe he was proud of himself. He thought his deception was evidence of how clever he was. Carl told all these stories with a smile and a metaphorical pat on his own back. I was not amused. It didn’t take long for me to realize that there was little about which he was truthful. In spite of all of his assurances that he changed, he hadn’t actually changed one bit.
Notwithstanding what he said initially, he would never have left or divorced his wife if she hadn’t pushed forward because he refused to accept service, complete any documents, hire a lawyer, or go to court. (She eventually got the court to grant one, uncontested).
It was clear to me that he wasn’t ready to give her up. He spelled out a fantasy where he would attend parties and I’d be by his side with his (ex?)wife across the table. He wanted a harem.
In our parting conversation, an exact opposite of our first, he said I was being unreasonable in asking him to throw away his wife and marriage. I told him he shouldn’t. However, I was not going to be part of his desire to have his cake and eat it too. Not to worry, I was quickly replaced by someone willing to share him with his wife.
To answer your question, no, he showed no remorse.
Aime Austin is the author of the Casey Cort and Nicole Long Series of legal thrillers. She is also the host of the podcast, A Time to Thrill. When she’s not writing crime fiction or interviewing brilliant creators for her podcast, she’s in a yoga pose, knitting, or reading. Aime splits her time between Los Angeles and Budapest. Before turning to writing, Aime practiced family and criminal law in Cleveland, Ohio.
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